DEAR Harriet, I must appreciate you for your good work. Please, I need your counsel on a particular issue bothering my heart. My husband is fond of using abusive words against me while correcting me.
He describes me as senseless, stupid and foolish. He tells me he loves me only when he wants to have sex with me which happens once in a while.
I have called his attention to these happenings, but he remains very adamant. We have been married for six years.
I am beginning to ask myself if this man really loves me in the first place.
Help me, please.
Name withheld, Abuja.
I must commend you for sharing your story and seeking advice on how to deal with the situation in your relationship with your husband.
What you are experiencing with your spouse is a form of abuse known as verbal abuse. This kind of abuse is very rampant in relationships, and most times, victims do not attach abuse to it because it is not physical or that it appears subtle and hard to recognize due to the manner it plays out.
So some victims do not know that they are going through verbal abuse. Considering what you are passing through, I will start by explaining actions that can be classified as verbal abuse, its effects and steps to take.
Verbal abuse is explained as constant use of words to undermine someone’s dignity and security through insults or humiliation with the intension to control the behaviour, thoughts and feelings of the person.
Name-calling, using words like stupid, idiot, fool, useless and so on put your spouse or partner down. Yelling, screaming and swearing at your spouse or partner belittle her.
Some feel so afraid to be free with their spouse or partner in the process. Victims are constantly “ walking on egg shells” for fear of being told off. They can’t see anything good in their spouse or partner.
They always find fault. They do not appreciate, no matter how hard the victim tries. Isolation, intimidation, easy dismissal during conversation, disregard of spouse’s opinion or suggestion and controlling behaviour are signs of verbal abuse.
You may think that physical abuse is far worse than verbal or emotional abuse, since physical violence can kill or send someone to the hospital and even leave permanent scars on the victim. The scars of verbal or emotional abuse are very real. They run deep.
In fact, verbal or emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse- sometimes, even more. A skilled abuser can actually destroy his victim’s self- esteem, while at the same time making the person believe that his or her action is done out of care and love.
On the other hand, verbal abuse can also become so regular that it becomes a normal way of communication. In addition, it makes the victims confused, not really knowing what to believe any more. Their own thoughts or the abusive words said to them, especially from people who claim to love them.
Other effects of verbal or emotional abuse are fear, anger, bitterness, resentment, insecurity, depression, rejection, eating disorder, psychological trauma and so on.
One thing married couples should be mindful of is the words they speak to and about each other because the direction of your marriage is determined by the direction of your tongue. To be continued.
Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj.
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