Tips on starting a blended family
Dear Harriet, I am a 53-year-old single parent with two children. I started dating again after some years. He is very caring and loving to us. He actually makes me understand that a woman can really be appreciated. I will like to spend the rest of my life with him, but my challenge is how to cope with his three children. Please, I need your counsel on how to start a blended family.
Name withheld, Lagos.
Thanks for sharing your problem; it will interest you to know that most singles in your situation have the same challenge.
Parenting is never easy. It involves a lot. When families come together to form one family, some children may resist changes, while parents, on their own, can be frustrated in the process, especially when things don’t function properly.
However, changing to a new family structure can be tough on parents and children, so here are some tips that may help blended families adjust and build a successful relationship with one another.
First, it will be a good idea to have an effective discussion with your partner before marriage on how you both intend to parent together, everything should be laid on the table, asking all the necessary questions and agreeing together. Adjustment to be made, if required so that you and you partner will have a clear picture of what you are going into from the very start, more so, this will help for a better understanding of the children and a smoother transition.
If your case of being single is as a result of divorce or separation, it will be nice for you to also talk to your children about the changes that will take place, listen to their feelings and try to answer their questions honestly.
Avoid unnecessary details or negativity about the other family; remind your children that they did nothing to cause the divorce or separation in the first place and that you will always love them. Arrange meeting and trying to know your partner’s children before marriage will be of great help and must be done.
Acceptance is very important; the fact that you and your partner have decided to get married to form a new family (blended) which includes children from both pervious relationships means that you must learn to embrace all that comes with it, although it can be a bit hard to find the right balance due to the high expectations, but with patience and tolerance, everything will fall in place.
Moving on is the next aspect which is the issue of time. Time is of great essence in building a new family. Take each day as it comes with an open mind and remember that it will take time for every one involved to be able to adjust to the new structure, so changes should be introduced gradually, for example, too many changes at once can unsettle children.
In addition, show love to both your children and your stepchildren. As a matter of fact, avoid discrimination. Care for them, treat them well because they are yours now, correct them with love and compliment them as well.
Children in such situation are happy to know that they are loved and treated the same, in case, you don’t get the kind of response expected, never mind, with some children it takes time. Think of the changes as making small investment that will yield a lot of interest one day.
Be yourself and don’t fake it; be open to your spouse and the children, for instance, if you notice an attitude you don’t like. Address it and don’t pretend. Keep an open door policy, be someone that is approachable and show conscience towards their challenges.
Be the mother that does not only hear them, but listen to them. Furthermore, create family bonding time. Involve the children in the religious aspect by helping them in their spiritual life, guiding them through the path of God. Make time to have fun moments with them in respective of their age, ask them what they will like to do, show interest in things they like so that you can have conversation with them.
In setting rules and regulations, be firm and flexible. Make out time for each other as husband and wife because you need to be very close in order to bring the children together and build a healthy happy home, but if, for any reason, it seems difficult to seek the help of a professional, a counsellor might be able to assist you and the children talk about problems, fears and concerns.
Finally, remember to always show love to every member of the family because love conquers all. Take care of yourself and each other.
Harriet Ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or text message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter @bineharrietj blog; liwh.com.ng
problem shared is a problem half solved
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