Dear Harriet, I am 33 years old with a job and in a relationship. Please, I need your help on how to handle a boyfriend that is not affectionate? Thanks.
Tessy O.,
Lagos.
Thanks for your text message. Your question is one major challenge that a good number of people in relationships are experiencing. It is something that from the very time we are born, we seek from others.
As human, we yearn for instinctive need for love, protection and security. These are feelings associated with being in a relationship and once any aspect is affected, you feel hurt.
However, the truth of life is as we get older, some people are very comfortable with giving and receiving affection, while for others, affection poses as a great challenge. They feel uncomfortable because they don’t know how to show or receive affection.
Bear in mind, you can only give what you have, so in relationships, affection is a necessary part of a healthy relationship. If your boyfriend or girlfriend is not meeting your affection needs, it can create great strain on your relationship which might affect other aspects.
Affection is not centered on sex as some people term it to be. It is more of care, friendship, kindness, regards, love, good will and so on. I need to make this clear because the way and manner people regard affection this day, especially the youth call for concern.
Moving on, in a situation like this, the reason for the action must not be neglected so the question that comes to mind is “why”. What is the cause of lack of affection? For some people, it might be as a result of the followings; upbringing, for example, may be, he was raised in a home where his father or mother was not affectionate and he never learned how to show or receive affection, like I mentioned earlier you don’t give what you don’t have. You can only give what you have.
Next, he or she may be insecure about himself or herself or could be that your friend is self-centred and actually believes that showing affection serves no purpose. Some men take expressing their feelings to their partners for granted. They go with the attitude of she knows, forgetting that every woman appreciates affection.
On the other hand, maybe he is one of those men who simply believe that expressing affection is a sign of weakness. The solution to the issue is to have a discussion with your partner, pour your heart to him and make him understand how the situation is affecting you.
Don’t pretend to be happy when you are not. Note, people are different so the way we receive information differs. For some, they will be able to open up easily while some might find it very difficult, depending on the personality type. In such situation, you might need to take it easy on the person and help him or her.
In the process of your discussion, if you observe that it is more than what you bargain for, may be you suggest a talk to a professional about it to him or her so that help can be rendered. Show concern and don’t forget to mention his or her great qualities. This will help a lot.
More so, there are certain things you must avoid when dealing with the issue of not showing affection in relationships; don’t compare his affection behaviour to other men or women in your life. This will definitely get the person angry. Don’t make your partner feel inadequate- you need to show compassion.
Do not try to belittle him or her. Avoid threatening your partner on the issue because threats will never work. Remember, affection comes from the heart. Don’t hold back mentioning the problem and how it bothers you, if you need more affection.
Let him know and be specific, never keep this bottled up inside. Also don’t let him minimize the seriousness of the problem. Some people have the tendency to joke around such issue. So don’t let your girlfriend or boyfriend try to make this like it doesn’t matter or say that you are being ridiculous.
Finally, men, for instance, will say, ‘I do a lot for you; don’t you know how I feel?’ Why do I have to say it? This is a fair point, but the fact is she needs to hear how much you care, love and appreciate her. And for the ladies, if you are the one who finds it difficult to be affectionate, you need to understand that your partner needs to be cared for, loved and regarded.
Explain to your partner in a caring and compassionate manner with a concerned tone why being affectionate matters to you. Hopefully he will understand where you are coming from and will be happy to discuss the issue or accept the idea to seek help to make the relationship better.
Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt messages only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter @bineharrietj, instagram-harrietogbobine, blog; liwh.com.ng,
The post How to handle an unfriendly partner appeared first on The Nation Nigeria.