Dear Harriet, my partner is highly influenced by his friend, who is living with him, in terms of taking decisions. For example, I told him that it would be nice for him to start saving for the future, which he agreed to initially, and he was grateful for the idea but a few days later, after talking to his friend about it, his attitude changed. Please, I need your advice on what to do. Help me.
Name withheld, Lagos.
Thanks for sharing your situation with us. Relationships are one aspect of life that everybody cherishes, be it at work, home or elsewhere. We relate with different people for different purposes but, at the same time, we take to heart relationships that are personal to us. To be in a relationship where there is an influential third party, whether male or female, can be very frustrating, especially when you discover that your partner or spouse cannot take decisions without consulting the person. Such situation will give room to other issues in your relationship if not handled properly.
Don’t get me wrong, everybody deserves to have good friends that they can open up to from time to time; friends who wish you well, friends who have your interest at heart, friends who will tell it as it is no matter the circumstances. But it becomes unhealthy when decisions are based on suggestions from friends. It exposes the relationship to all sorts of challenges.
It can be very bad when a man who is supposed to be the head of a family cannot take decisions on his own, for example. The way you feel at the moment is understandable, so the way forward should not be taken for granted.
Here are useful tips in dealing with the situation: effective communication is highly required in your case; arrange a meeting with your partner or spouse to discuss how his friend’s involvement in your relationship is affecting you as a person and your relationship with him or her; feel free to state instances, if possible, because it will help your partner/spouse to understand the implication of his/her actions.
However, if he falls under the category of those who find it very difficult to take up responsibilities and always blame someone instead for talking them into action, this simply indicates that there is a problem which he or she will need to work on. Sometimes, in situations like yours (although we have not heard your partner’s version), it could be that he is afraid of commitment. So, while you are addressing the issue with him in a calm and sincere manner, a proper review of your relationship is very important so that you know your place because you don’t want to suddenly realise that all the while that you made him a priority, you were only an option.
Avoid anger and threat in the course of discussion so that you can get accurate answers to your questions. What you don’t want is to be in a relationship for the wrong reasons or with the wrong person. Relationship is not one-sided. It takes two people who share the same feelings to make it work.
You can actually call it an investment like money in a bank account. What you put in is what you get. While you are trying to make sure that the situation is resolved, it will be nice if he is on the same page with you. Respecting your partner’s or spouse’s views or opinions promotes a healthy relationship. To be in an unhealthy relationship is the worst thing that can happen to anyone because of the emotional trauma that comes with it, for instance.
Therefore, it will be wise to understand the kind of friends you have and the role they play in your life. The fact of life is that, as we go along in the course of life, we are bound to make friends for different reasons and purpose. They either influence us positively or negatively. In seeking counsel, not everybody is qualified to speak in your situation.
A friend who cannot maintain a healthy relationship is definitely not going to give good advice. You can only give what you have. Besides, be mindful of where and who you take your problems to so that you don’t get what you never bargained for. A mirror reflects a man’s face but his true personality is the kind of friends he keeps.
Relationship issues are better resolved together by a couple or partners without involving a third party except in situations where the help of a professional is required. Take care of yourself and each other.
Harriet Ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her blog; www.liwh.com.ng or bineharriet@gmail.com or text message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter @bineharrietj
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