DEAR Harriet, I am a young man planning to settle down with my long-time sweetheart in a couple of months.
Please, I want you to advise us on the necessary parenting skills we need.
Thanks.
Mr. Henry U, Lagos.
There is actually nothing that can prepare you for being a parent, knowing that it is an aspect of life that is most challenging. It gives a better attitude to parenting because it will test your nerves, emotion, strength and, at times, your sanity.
Bearing these in mind will help you have a proper approach in dealing with different stages; starting with the sleepless night of nurturing , changing of nappies and potty training. Just when you think you have got one phase of childhood cracked, others grow a bit older and it is a whole new game altogether.
The pattern changes as children progress from one stage to another. Some parents at this point get confused, not knowing how to relate with their children. Some shy away from their responsibilities, and this makes it difficult for them to understand their children, while some parents are in closer relationship with their children.
As a result, they find it much easier to impact the necessary family values that they need to grow up as responsible adults which will be of great benefit to the family and society at large.
Some people believe that parenting skills should come naturally, but sometimes we all need a bit of help and support. That is why parenting skills are something we learn, not something we are born with.
These are the benefits you enjoy once you develop your parenting skills. They are as follows: a clear understanding on how to handle different situations at different stages in raising children.
They help to develop a closer relationship with your children, provide ways to handle certain issues like behavioural problems, discipline, education, rewards and even stress management. These in return will create healthier, happier households where children thrive.
They help us as parents to evaluate ourselves, and then start correcting our little flaws or rather bad habits as well as introducing new more helpful ones for us and members of our household. We learn every day in life to improve ourselves.
Learning about those first crucial years of the life of your children, how to use positive discipline to correct them, avoiding power struggles, and how to determine a need from want.
Parenting skills:
When it comes to parenting, there are certain elements that make a parent skilled. These skills won’t always be appreciated by your children, most likely not until your children are parent themselves.
Being a parent is really not about winning a popularity contest. It can be a difficult line to walk, knowing that it is not a part-time activity, but a full-time and dedicated practice. As mentioned, parenting is a learning experience. It is always better to learn from mistakes because there are no perfect parents.
Likewise, every child differs in mental attitudes, dislikes and likes. Applying the same method on every child can be destructive, bearing in mind that every child is different and unique in their own ways. Using your own experiences will only help to certain extent.
Psychologist, Bowlby, proposed a theory whereby he constructed an “internal working model”. This model suggests that our future relationships are a reflection of our relationships with our primary caregivers (parents). Bowlby suggests that we will emulate the caregiving strategies of our parents. For example, if our parents spank us, there is the tendency of us repeating same action with our children because it worked for them in their own childrearing.
Therefore, it will be wise to look back and analyze how you were brought up and amend some mistakes made by your parents as you embrace new useful parenting skills.
Communication: Have a good relationship with your children by interacting with them regularly. Be approachable. Every family has what is deemed right or wrong, depending on its background. With this reason, a family should plan and communicate their expectations such as social, academic, religious, family values, personal appearance and hygiene.
Some expectations are more demanding than others. As a result, parents should take into consideration the children’s ages, ability, developmental status and resource that are available to the family.
These expectations should be communicated to them clearly in words and indeed. Having a family meeting is also a way of clarification and expression of the expectations between parents and children.
Communication is incomplete, if the act of listening is not taken into consideration. Listen to what your children have to say. Parents are so busy, telling children what to do most times without listening to their concern. Ask them what are their hopes, fears and anxieties. The better you understand the needs of your children the better parent you are.
Stick to your rules; let your yes be yes, and your no be no. Whether it is when you discipline your child or not, rules need to be enforced after they are made. Good parenting skills require you to stick to any rules you establish. If you show them that you can make and break rules, they will think rules are made to be broken.
To be continued
Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her blog; www.liwh.com.ng, text messages only 08054682598 or bineharriet@gmail.com. You can follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj and instagram: harrietogbobine.
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