Please ma, how best can one tame stubborn children, my boy of five plus is too stubborn but brilliant.
-Uche IB.
Dear Uche, children are a handful but they are very special gifts we all desire from God. Yes, at certain ages – ages which I like to describe as ‘the discovery stage’ – kids are aware of what they want and what they don’t want. You may want to serve them custard for instance and they tell you they want corn-flakes. You call that stubbornness but they call it self-assertion. From the period they begin to crawl and move on their own, they start enjoying freedom of movement and trying to stop them will elicit some kind of protests. Then by ages 4 through 5 to 8, they know by instinct that you cannot wield the stick and they still have some kind of immunity, so, they use their stubbornness to great advantage over you. Do you see 10 year olds arguing with their parents and being really stubborn? Below, I have helped you get some tips on how to deal with this young man trying his remote control on your superiority and trying to see how far he can get with you:
Story-telling: Try story-time to help them wind down. This works especially well with strong-willed kids, who may have a hard time relaxing enough on their own especially at bed time.
Play the “yes” game. Ask your child questions that will prompt him to answer “yes” at least three times in a row, such as “Wow, you’re having a great time playing with those toys, aren’t you?” (Yep!) “What eating this now and eating that other one next time? Would that be fun? “Do you have strength to move that bag from the floor? Can you show me?” The “yeses” help break down your child’s resistance, and he also feels like he’s been heard and understood.
Offer options. Gently guide him toward the next step with two choices, such as “Do you want to dry yourself off with the towel or should I help you?” Don’t announce that bathtime is over; simply start the process. Move seamlessly through the getting-ready-for-bed routine, offering two options at a time along the way, such as “Which book should we read before bed—X or Y?” If your child balks at the choices—”Neither! I’m not going to bed!”—respond calmly, “That wasn’t one of the choices. Did you want this book or that one?” Repeat calmly as needed. Stubborn kids hate hearing parents sound like broken records, and they usually give in. If they don’t, simply say “Okay, I guess you’ve chosen not to have a book tonight. Good night, sweetie! We’ll try again tomorrow night!” Lights-out. And don’t give in, even if your kid puts up a fuss. Sticking to your word practically guarantees you won’t have a repeat episode tomorrow night.
Establish a connection. Before actually moving your kids toward the direction you want, use a technique psychotherapist Susan Stiffelman calls “Connect Before You Direct.” Take a few minutes to sit beside your child and show interest in the game he’s playing or TV show he’s watching. Ask a few well-placed questions or say something supportive like “I can see why you like this show—it’s really funny!” When kids feel connected to you, they’re much more likely to do what you ask next.
