Hello Madam Harriet,
Thanks for your good work. I enjoy reading your page because there is always something to learn. Please madam; I want your advice on my relationship. I met my woman 13 years ago. We got our first child after some years and we recently had our third child last year. We only started living together recently, although our marriage is unofficial. I found out I’m the only one that truly loves, showing love and care about everything. She’s someone with quiet and sluggish attitude even in thoughts. She believes in expressing her love and care inside of her without actions which she lacks. I’ve talked with her a lot, but she won’t listen and every discussion turns to grudges, even after morning prayers. I’m a year older than her and I guess she does things wrongly with this advantage of age barrier. I’m a very playful person and I hate dull moments, but she never welcomes any expression of feelings. She makes our home to be so boring for me and this makes me sad most times. Only God and my kids are just the source of my happiness at home. She has never requested for sex since I met her and I have to force her before having sex with her. Her sexual stress pushed me out to start having affairs which I want to stop. I always get too nice with ladies that if care is not taken with these affairs, I might end up with a mistress which I see as a disaster. My woman has never respected me when we are alone, but in the sight of people, she’s the best. She talks anyhow to me with no respect. She does things at her convenient time. She has responses to everything I say and have silly chuckles. She makes me hit her when I can’t bear her foul actions. She’s my first love and always makes me regret getting hooked to her. She once said she regretted getting married to me. Imagine! Every time I go to her for advice, her responses are discouraging. We just moved to our house a few months which she rarely visited during construction, but all she could do was to complain about how everything was wrongly place in the house. I’ve reported her to her parents, her only friend and even our church pastor, but still there is no change. The worst part is that she doesn’t know how to apologize. We’ve agreed on getting married officially by August this year, but my fear is can I continue with this bad-mannered and moody woman that never shows me love at home? Ma, I’m forcing her to love me and trying all my best to make her smile. The way she approaches me is always disrespectful. I’ve always planned to leave home, but I can’t leave my kids for just one day without missing them. I never get appreciated by my wife. I get satisfaction outside than my home by all love standards. Just a few days ago, I was hungry since she is never up early. I decided to make something for myself. Just as I was eating, she came out to nag me. I later slapped her. I hardly get angry, but she always pushes me to the wall which I don’t like. Ma, I want a break and before then, I need your marital advice because I need true love and happiness in my home. Please, help with your advice.
God Bless you.
Akin O., Lagos
Thanks for sharing your experience with us. We are really very grateful. In many varied circumstances, man and woman counter complain against each other when it comes to leaving together. Bearing in mind that these are different persons from different backgrounds with different personalities, coming together to live as one. It is the greatest challenge ever. The only way out is actually understanding each other’s strengthes and weaknesses. Our differences are what make us unique. However, the question that comes to mind is: what was the initial attraction because you have known her for years now. There must be some kind of love that existed between you and your partner, so what went wrong is the big question that we should try and find out because people express their worries or problems in different ways. In your case, you might feel that you are doing everything to make her happy. That’s your story What is her story? In every relationship, each partner has expectations. It is always important to make these expectations explicit. The best way is through communication. I am happy to know that you have talked a lot to your partner about how her action is affecting you, but on her own, she will not listen. For communication to be effective, the following must be put into consideration: What is being communicated. How is it being communicated. When is it being communicated. Through good communication, initial problems will be discovered and resolved before growing into bigger problems because through interaction, a bond is created between partners and it gets stronger by the day. Through this process, partners will know each other’s needs. It gives the sense of team work, removes barriers and obstacles. Furthermore, when there is problem at home, having extramarital affair with someone else is never the solution to the problem. Instead, it destroys the situation completely. For example, to the lady out there, she will do everything for you to see her as the best thing that happens to you. She will try to avoid all the wrongs that you must have told her about your partner. Come to think of it, how much time do you spend with her to claim that you know her well enough. You might feel she makes you happy and has everything you need in a woman. Infidelity destroys a home. Relationship has its ups and downs. The way forward is to tackle the issues as they come. A lot must be put into consideration in decision-making, especially when children are involved. The effect of separation on children is a tough one, so before taking any action, partners should try and resolve their problems, seek professional help, if need be who will take you and your partner through the process in confidentiality. However, you might ask the question why me, why not her changing her ways to make it work. Well, it takes one person to make a change. Remember you can only change yourself and through the new you, the other person will learn to change as well. Again, there’s no excuse for domestic violence no matter what she said or how she pushed you to it. Don’t hit her because once you start, there will be no end to it. A man should learn to control himself when it comes to dealing with women.
Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and motivational speaker. Send in your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com. You can also follow her on twitter@bineharrietj or txt messages only to 08023058805.