DEAR Harriet, I read your page for the first time at a friend’s place. I must commend you for putting out important information on how to deal with life issues. Your article,’My hubby betrayed my trust,’ was an eye opener for me. Please, can you throw light on general family problems because a lot of families today are facing many challenges. Thanks
Mr. Ezekiel Jacob,
Ogba, Lagos.
Thanks for your compliment and contribution. We really appreciate them. Family problems as a matter of fact come in all shapes and sizes. Some are shortlived and easily managed, while others are more chronic and difficult to handle. Some are just temporary phases that go in no time, if only families learn to be patient and tolerant. As the saying goes, there is no perfect family. That is why each family develops its own ways of coping with the various stresses like illness, injury, changing jobs, unemployment, financial difficulties and so on. Unsuccessful coping can be recognized by a number of characteristics as follows: poor communication, poor problem-solving methods, poor division of duties, lack of emotional support, differences, overdependence on others and chronic crises.
Poor communication : It is one common problem that exists within the family. Could be that family members either avoid talking with one another due to past encounter or have not learned to listen well to what others are trying to say through their words, expressions or actions. As a matter of fact, a situation where conflicts are not resolved poses a problem to the family. This usually occurs when family members avoid discussing problems or even avoid admitting that there is a problem in the first place. Impression like this extends conflicts and causes some discomfort and unhappiness. Some families still have not learnt the skill of negotiating or, for some other reason, cannot let go of bad feelings with little or no regard on how this action can affect the members of the family, bearing in mind that children on their own pattern their attitude after their parents’ bahaviour.
In addition, inability to settle issues within the family can also pose as a huge problem. For example, in a situation where family members are finding it difficult on deciding what problems really exist, who is responsible, the option for working out the problem and how the family can agree upon an option and act on it. There may not be an agreement on what the priorities are within the family in the process.
Another aspect that poses a problem in a family is the area of poor division of responsibilities. Families often decide how family responsibilities will be shared among family members. When situation like this occurs, the life of the family becomes completely confused and many things are not accomplished. At the other extreme, some families are not flexible at all and family members do not help one another out or fairly reassign responsibilities as family circumstances change.
Insufficient emotional support is not left out as a problem facing the family. Families are the most important source of emotional support for children. During the middle years, children, for instance, believe that their emotional support should come from their family. A situation where it is not available, they then start seeking for it outside the family which, as a result, put them in danger. It should be noted that children do not perform or develop well without their family support.
Lack of individual differences: Families function best when the individuality of each family member is acknowledged and appreciated. Personal traits and characteristics are to be highly valued. Each family member needs to tolerate and respect individual traits, and lack of this can lead to serious challenge in the family. When family members withhold love from one another because of family differences, children, as members of the family, are most likely to have difficult time developing a healthy self-image, and they will have low self-esteem and limited poor social skills.
Overdependence on others: Children need to succeed in order to feel capable of successfully managing life’s stress and challenges. If they are taught or encouraged to depend on others (within the family or outside it) to solve their problems will be a difficult issue. It also limits their ability to challenge themselves. Low self -esteem is one common factor that is attached to overdependence on others. As a matter of fact, this is one common problem the family suffers
Chronic crises: Families which have some of the above characteristics are likely to have trouble coping with life’s inevitable crises. In these families relatively simple problems are not resolved, but take on the appearance and feel of major dilemmas. Thus by their lack of successful coping skills, these families create additional difficulties for themselves and go from crisis to crisis with little relief and little pleasure from life or from one another. Although we all strive for perfection, there is no perfect family. Each family has its own strengths and weaknesses, assets and liabilities, challenges and problems. If your family seems overwhelmed with problems or if there is breakdown in relationships within your family, it is probably time for professional aid.
As parents as well, your task is to meet the multiple demands of the family with energy and creativity. By doing so, you will enable your children to grow and develop in a positive and healthy way in order to experience self-fulfilment.
Harriet ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08023058805. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj
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